Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
