please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
