A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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