I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
