I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
