Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
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