I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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