weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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