Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
