Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
