Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
