I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize