I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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