What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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