y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
