Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
