Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
