just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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