Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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