if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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