He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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