I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
