I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Liz is crying about burritos again.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
