I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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