i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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