omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
