So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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