I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
