matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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