life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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