Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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