I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
