you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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