Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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