I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How naked do you want me to be?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
