My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
