Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
