just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
