I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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