...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
