nut hugger
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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