I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
