I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The best revenge is premature balding
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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