trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
