then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
