Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
