Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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