i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
