my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
