I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
