i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
