I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
