'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
