fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize